To be frank, I’ve never actually played soccer. But when my neuroscience professor Dr. James Hurley explained this concept to me the analogy clicked perfectly.
Anger is the result of a blocked goal.
Part of the practice of regulating emotions comes from having a proper understanding of where the emotions are coming from and what they are trying to communicate. Let’s consider the source of the emotion of anger. Often people feel unsure of where their angry outbursts have come from and why anger might be an overreaction to their situation. It is easy to attribute the automatic, emotion-driven response of anger to an external source, namely whatever is the most present stressor. By reframing anger as the product of a blocked goal, we can look at the ultimate goals and desires driving our actions and identify what is preventing us from achieving these goals, leading to anger and frustration.
Consider the following example:
A woman is on her way to work one morning for a very important early meeting. She’s new to the company, and she has a strong desire to prove herself and make her boss proud. The morning itself is overcast, and traffic on 202 seems to be overly congested by the weather change. As she approaches one of the lights ahead she sees that it moves from green to yellow. The car ahead appropriately begins to slow down and she thinks to herself, “Come on! Go! We can both make it!”. Angrily she comes to a stop to what seems like the longest red light on record. Anger flares as she mutters not-so-niceties directed to the car in front of her. She is angry at the driver ahead for slowing down, angry at the light for taking so long, and angry at the weather for being dreary. Although each one of these circumstances might be aggravating by themselves, the true anger is coming from the desire to protect her deepest goal: performing well at work. Each of these small obstacles are unconsciously seen as large threats to her goal, which can cause overinflated anger.
By incorrectly attributing the source of anger to external people and events, one is made helpless to the circumstances at hand. Recognizing anger as a response to an obstacle and investigating our motives and ideals allows us to develop better solutions to challenges.
Here are some helpful strategies for recognizing and controlling anger:
- Check in with how you are feeling, the intensity of the emotions, and where the emotions are present. Attempt to slow breathing down, stretch, and release physical tension/stress in the body. This will give your mind an opportunity to reset and focus on the moment rather than let your mind be overwhelmed in frustration.
- Implement self-reflection by asking yourself the following question, “What goal could this current stressor be blocking?” Attempt to go a layer deeper with anger, exploring what desire the obstacle might seem to jeopardize.
- Explore either potential ways to resolve the block, or practice acceptance of things outside of your control. Sometimes there is an easy solution to a blocked goal. A solution for the previous example might have been calling the office and communicating the issue with traffic. Other times finding a solution might be difficult. In these moments it is important to practice acceptance and self-compassion. As the woman in the previous example might have done by reflecting, “I will get to work as soon as safely possible. Everyone has days when the traffic is bad”.
Through correctly identifying sources of our anger, we can clarify our goals, strive to more effectively communicate what is needed to meet these goals, and work within ourselves to alter the goal based on the circumstances.
