Even before the COVID-19 pandemic, growing numbers of children were experiencing high rates of clinical-level anxiety. About 11.6% of kids had anxiety in 2012, up 20% from 2007. But during the pandemic, those numbers nearly doubled, such that 20.5% of youth worldwide were estimated to be struggling with anxiety. Post-pandemic, the prevalence level of youth anxiety has remained high.
I recently attended a conference with Dr. Sarah Haider that provided some specific guidance and suggestions on ways parents can help calm their child’s anxious mind. This also draws on the work of Dr. John Gottman’s emotional coaching.
Childs’ Worldview
Parents must acknowledge that their child has either specific knowledge or at least vague awareness of world/national news or things going on in their community.
• Anxiety breeds on uncertainty. Therefore, parents should provide information to their children about major news events.
• The key is to balance providing information without overwhelming your child, scaring them or burdening them.
• Provide broad, basic overview with little detail. As the child asks questions, then answer only that question specifically as developmentally appropriate. Wait for them to ask for more details.
• Acknowledging the big picture without offering a specific solution may be enough to ease anxiety.
Shifts in Home Environment
Parents should consider all aspects of the child’s surroundings. Minor shifts to the home environment can create major change.
• Provide developmentally appropriate privacy for the child.
• Provide access to small snacks that help interrupt fight/flight response.
• Regardless of parents own mood, it is important that the child be able to rely on them to provide meals, car-rides, and attend important events.
• If parents fight in front of child, they must also make it a point to model resolving the fight in front of the child.
• Parents can help kids to schedule their day.
• Build healthy sleep routines.
Calm Yourself, Calm Your Child
It is very important to model to children what it means to prioritize health and mental health.
• Don’t make decisions if you’re HALT (Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired).
• If you’re HALTy, the logic part of your brain will be at least partially offline, so address your basic needs, then go back to decision making.
• Parents WILL burn out if they do not get their own needs met. All children- ESPECIALLY anxious children can sense their parents anxiety and stress.
• Airplane Mask Metaphor
• We can not think logically if we aren’t getting oxygen to brain. When we are anxious or stressed- we can’t parent as well because we will not be thinking efficiently.
• Apologize when you make mistakes
• Must do this in a way that is authentic. Show you are disappointed in yourself AND you are not overwhelmed by the experience and can move on from it.
• Provide room for your child to give YOU feedback. Let them tell you what they need so you can be empathetic to their needs and consider operating differently.
Emotional Coaching
According to Dr. John Gottman, there are five critical steps that can help guide children when responding to their feelings and emotions.
• Be aware of your child’s emotion
• Recognize your child’s expression of emotion as a perfect moment for intimacy and teaching
• Listen with empathy and validate your child’s feelings
• Help your child learn to label their emotions with words
• Set limits when you are helping your child to solve problems or deal with upsetting situations appropriately
Repeated emotional coaching helps children develop skills and language to identify emotions and tools to feel and respond to strong emotions. It aids in the formation of self-regulation skills and directs negative responses (eg. temper tantrums) into more appropriate, productive ones (eg. feeling an emotion, followed by problem-solving). Furthermore, learning how to utilize emotional coaching with your child will also help you build skills to cope with your own emotions.
